My Thoughts on Today’s Morning Commute
Ah, New York City – where our homeless people wear Crocs and dance like there’s nobody watching, even when there’s a whole subway car of people watching.
The Importance of a Meat-Based Education
“Chilean Sea Bass – I don’t know what the fuck that is, so I’ll go with Kobe Beef because it sounds like meat.” – Teenaged girl to friend while analyzing subway advertisement on 3 train
Guys, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – I can’t underscore enough the importance of educating our young people about bougie meats.
The Opposite of Seventh Heaven: Stephen Collins is Officially a Pervert
Today in news that no one should be surprised by, it turns out that the creepy dad from Seventh Heaven, Stephen Collins, is a creepy dad in real life, too. Why is he a creepy dad, you ask? Well, amongst other things, because his own WIFE just told the entire world that right before she gave birth to their daughter, he told her that he was pleased they weren’t having a baby boy because he basically didn’t know if he could restrain himself from fellating a little dude. Her actual, complete quote of what she says Collins said is that he “just didn’t know if [he] could keep his little penis out of [his] mouth” – words which, though I don’t yet have kids of my own, know must be music to a heavily-pregnant woman’s ear.
(Insert a very long, uncomfortable pause of WTF here while we all process how vile this story is.)
Honestly, I don’t even know what to say in response to this news except OH MY GOD EW WHAT. The series of emojis that would describe my reaction would be as follows: 1) the monkey with its eyes covered, 2) a thumbs down, 3) the guy in the red shirt who is running like hell because WHO STAYS MARRIED TO SOMEONE WHO SAYS SOMETHING LIKE THAT FOR 14 MORE YEARS?
Then I’d throw in an acorn because hey – it’s finally Fall.
And Off to Prison Theresa Giudice Goes
Theresa Giudice, one of the shrillest and least ethically-sound members of of the Real Housewives of New Jersey cast, has today been sentenced to 15 months in Federal Prison for her role in her husband’s large-scale tax fraud. First of all, can someone please explain to me how her husband’s last name has been anglicized to being pronounced “Jew-dice” even though he’s technically not an American citizen and has been living here on a Green Card for like 40 years? Secondly, let’s all cross our fingers that Theresa’s alarmingly-low hairline will frighten her fellow inmates into believing that she’s part werewolf and they’ll leave her alone, at least every full moon. Good luck to you, Lupine Giudice. Good luck to you.
X-treme Attachment Parenting on the 2 Train
I sat across from a woman on the 2 train the other day whose 60 pound four-year-old was buckled into a harness that was slung across her chest. She produced a small pouch of juice from her Mary Poppins bag and proceeded to hold it up for him so he could drink from the straw without exerting literally any physical effort. Listen, lady – I’m all for being an involved parent, but damn – if your kid looks old enough to register for his PSATs and is physically developed enough to have a wet dream, he’s too old for you to be schlepping him around the city in a forward-facing papoose. And if you don’t even make him hold up his own 8 oz. juice, you’re going to have one shrunken, atrophied little college freshman on your hands (or chest, as the case may be) come college move-in day (in, like, 5 years).