What I’ve Learned From Compulsively Reading True Crime for 20 Years

1. If you absolutely have to go to Washington state, do everything in your power to avoid going to Snohomish County. Nothing good happens in Snohomish County, Washington. Just ask Ann Rule – she’s made an entire career out of writing books about horrific crimes that have been committed in this one small region of the country. (Seriously, she’s written like 50 books about terrible, random murders that have all taken place in Snohomish County.) Judging from the Ann Rule canon, which I am deeply familiar with, if you spend enough time in Snohomish County, there’s an extremely good chance that you will be viciously attacked close to your bus stop and battered about the face and head by the light of the Washington moon.

If you’re a sportier type and prone to hiking, you could also get killed on Snoqualmie Pass. Snoqualmie Pass seems to be a mountain that is extremely dangerous not because of its treacherous terrain, but because it attracts psychopaths like moths to a scenic flame. If you absolutely have to go to Washington state and you absolutely have to go hiking, do everything in your power to avoid hiking Snoqualmie Pass – that is, unless you’re in the mood to grapple with a knife-wielding, AWOL soldier who thinks he’s still in Vietnam.

2. If someone seems like a pervert or a killer, he might very well be a pervert or a killer. Humans have a sixth sense for a reason – that little voice in your head is millions of years of evolution telling you that it’s probably a good idea to quicken your pace when passing that gentleman who’s dressed in a soiled trenchcoat and scratched aviators and screaming expletives at no one. Is there a weird dude driving your cab? It’s okay to get out of the cab if you feel like you’re about to get Bone Collectored in it.

3. If you discover that the lock on the window of your ground-floor bedroom is broken and you’re missing a few pairs of underpants and your hairbrush, leave the apartment immediately. There’s clearly a creepy teenager loose in your neighborhood who may very well have masturbated into your sock drawer while wearing one of your hats. Go stay with a friend or a relative until that lock gets fixed and call ADT.

4. Always be extremely punctual when going anywhere and never miss or cancel any plans with anyone. Also, pick up your cell phone every time someone calls you. That way, people will realize pretty quickly if you go missing. They’ll say things like, “Well, I knew that Sarah must have been in the trunk of a sadomasochist’s Kia when she didn’t text me exactly at 11pm like she always does.” What I’m trying to say is, don’t be a fucking flake like me, or else if you do get kidnapped and call someone for help, your lifeline will just be like, “Yeah, sure, Sarah, you’re in the trunk of a sadomasochist’s Kia. It’s always something with you. I’m just going to order without you,” and hang up.

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The Opposite of Seventh Heaven: Stephen Collins is Officially a Pervert

stephen collins

Today in news that no one should be surprised by, it turns out that the creepy dad from Seventh Heaven, Stephen Collins, is a creepy dad in real life, too. Why is he a creepy dad, you ask? Well, amongst other things, because his own WIFE just told the entire world that right before she gave birth to their daughter, he told her that he was pleased they weren’t having a baby boy because he basically didn’t know if he could restrain himself from fellating a little dude. Her actual, complete quote of what she says Collins said is that he “just didn’t know if [he] could keep his little penis out of [his] mouth” – words which, though I don’t yet have kids of my own, know must be music to a heavily-pregnant woman’s ear.

(Insert a very long, uncomfortable pause of WTF here while we all process how vile this story is.)

Honestly, I don’t even know what to say in response to this news except OH MY GOD EW WHAT. The series of emojis that would describe my reaction would be as follows: 1) the monkey with its eyes covered, 2) a thumbs down, 3) the guy in the red shirt who is running like hell because WHO STAYS MARRIED TO SOMEONE WHO SAYS SOMETHING LIKE THAT FOR 14 MORE YEARS?

Then I’d throw in an acorn because hey – it’s finally Fall.

And Off to Prison Theresa Giudice Goes

Theresa's hairline sits roughly 2cm above her eyebrows on a good day.

Theresa’s hairline sits roughly 2cm above her eyebrows on a good day.

Theresa Giudice, one of the shrillest and least ethically-sound members of of the Real Housewives of New Jersey cast, has today been sentenced to 15 months in Federal Prison for her role in her husband’s large-scale tax fraud. First of all, can someone please explain to me how her husband’s last name has been anglicized to being pronounced “Jew-dice” even though he’s technically not an American citizen and has been living here on a Green Card for like 40 years? Secondly, let’s all cross our fingers that Theresa’s alarmingly-low hairline will frighten her fellow inmates into believing that she’s part werewolf and they’ll leave her alone, at least every full moon. Good luck to you, Lupine Giudice. Good luck to you.

X-treme Attachment Parenting on the 2 Train

Overgrown baby drawing

I sat across from a woman on the 2 train the other day whose 60 pound four-year-old was buckled into a harness that was slung across her chest. She produced a small pouch of juice from her Mary Poppins bag and proceeded to hold it up for him so he could drink from the straw without exerting literally any physical effort. Listen, lady – I’m all for being an involved parent, but damn – if your kid looks old enough to register for his PSATs and is physically developed enough to have a wet dream, he’s too old for you to be schlepping him around the city in a forward-facing papoose. And if you don’t even make him hold up his own 8 oz. juice, you’re going to have one shrunken, atrophied little college freshman on your hands (or chest, as the case may be) come college move-in day (in, like, 5 years).