My Thoughts on Today’s Morning Commute

Ah, New York City – where our homeless people wear Crocs and dance like there’s nobody watching, even when there’s a whole subway car of people watching.

Advertisements

The Importance of a Meat-Based Education

“Chilean Sea Bass – I don’t know what the fuck that is, so I’ll go with Kobe Beef because it sounds like meat.” – Teenaged girl to friend while analyzing subway advertisement on 3 train

Guys, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – I can’t underscore enough the importance of educating our young people about bougie meats.

Another Annoying Straphanger: The Head Bobber

Head Bobber Drawing

People on the subway who furiously bob their heads in time to the music they’re listening to on their headphones annoy the shit out of me. Wow, guy – you like it when musical notes are strung together in a melodic way? That doesn’t make you ‘cool’ or ‘ hip,’ it makes you a sentient human being with ears that work and a beating heart. Stop pretending that you’re Avicii DJing MSG when we’re both just two schmucks riding the 3 train home from our grunt administrative jobs.

X-treme Attachment Parenting on the 2 Train

Overgrown baby drawing

I sat across from a woman on the 2 train the other day whose 60 pound four-year-old was buckled into a harness that was slung across her chest. She produced a small pouch of juice from her Mary Poppins bag and proceeded to hold it up for him so he could drink from the straw without exerting literally any physical effort. Listen, lady – I’m all for being an involved parent, but damn – if your kid looks old enough to register for his PSATs and is physically developed enough to have a wet dream, he’s too old for you to be schlepping him around the city in a forward-facing papoose. And if you don’t even make him hold up his own 8 oz. juice, you’re going to have one shrunken, atrophied little college freshman on your hands (or chest, as the case may be) come college move-in day (in, like, 5 years).