The Amazingly Awkward Jeopardy Moment That Happened Tonight

Something delightfully uncomfortable happened on tonight’s episode of Jeopardy!

During the portion of the show that I refer to as “Good Story, Jeopardy Contestant,” a contestant named Mikki told us that on her honeymoon in the Orkney Islands, she and her husband partook in a local ritual of running around some stones three times to guarantee that they’d have a baby within a year. Apparently, it worked!

Alex Trebek responded to this benign, charming little story by saying somewhat lasciviously, “…In addition to running around three times, there’s something else you have to do. I knowI know these things.”

Dude. Alex. What is: ‘the opposite of anything I’ve ever wanted to picture’…but also THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE LAUGH.

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Octopus Hatches Elaborate Plan to Escape from Aquarium, Is Foiled

A video of a luckless octopus named Ink trying to fling himself out of his new home, a tank at the Seattle Aquarium, surfaced on the internet earlier this week and has since gone viral. In the ‘riveting’ (read: depressing and anticlimactic) footage of the incident, Ink scales the side of his claustrophobic little tank and tries in vain to make a break for it before he is unceremoniously stuffed back into the tank by one of his carers.

A representative for the aquarium says that the octopus was simply “exploring his boundaries,” but with a badass name like Ink, he probably turned to his tank-mates right before he tried to flee and said something like, “Seattle? Are you fucking kidding me? I just…I can’t do this, guys. I’m going to go ahead and use my six arms to hitchhike back to my friend’s loft in Bushwick now. Ink OUT.”

The Importance of a Meat-Based Education

“Chilean Sea Bass – I don’t know what the fuck that is, so I’ll go with Kobe Beef because it sounds like meat.” – Teenaged girl to friend while analyzing subway advertisement on 3 train

Guys, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – I can’t underscore enough the importance of educating our young people about bougie meats.

Why I’m Anti Rolling Backpacks

RollingPackpack Drawing

I would rather my kid have a scoliotic back for the rest of his life from carrying heavy textbooks as a tween than carry the internal shame of having been the kid with the rolling backpack, because that shit is way heavier. Once I saw a kid with a rolling backpack fall head-first down a flight of stairs, and let me tell you, that backpack was close to lethal when it landed on top of him. I’ll never forget the tableau of the poor guy as he lay in a crumpled heap at the foot of the stairs, his cuffed sweatpants exposing his skinny ankles in all of their tube-sock-clad glory, the fallen backpack open next to him with papers falling out. This truly depressing sight crystallized my opinion that the rolling backpack is more a form of cruel and unusual punishment than a helpful tool to prevent your child from slipping a disc.

Another Annoying Straphanger: The Head Bobber

Head Bobber Drawing

People on the subway who furiously bob their heads in time to the music they’re listening to on their headphones annoy the shit out of me. Wow, guy – you like it when musical notes are strung together in a melodic way? That doesn’t make you ‘cool’ or ‘ hip,’ it makes you a sentient human being with ears that work and a beating heart. Stop pretending that you’re Avicii DJing MSG when we’re both just two schmucks riding the 3 train home from our grunt administrative jobs.

The Opposite of Seventh Heaven: Stephen Collins is Officially a Pervert

stephen collins

Today in news that no one should be surprised by, it turns out that the creepy dad from Seventh Heaven, Stephen Collins, is a creepy dad in real life, too. Why is he a creepy dad, you ask? Well, amongst other things, because his own WIFE just told the entire world that right before she gave birth to their daughter, he told her that he was pleased they weren’t having a baby boy because he basically didn’t know if he could restrain himself from fellating a little dude. Her actual, complete quote of what she says Collins said is that he “just didn’t know if [he] could keep his little penis out of [his] mouth” – words which, though I don’t yet have kids of my own, know must be music to a heavily-pregnant woman’s ear.

(Insert a very long, uncomfortable pause of WTF here while we all process how vile this story is.)

Honestly, I don’t even know what to say in response to this news except OH MY GOD EW WHAT. The series of emojis that would describe my reaction would be as follows: 1) the monkey with its eyes covered, 2) a thumbs down, 3) the guy in the red shirt who is running like hell because WHO STAYS MARRIED TO SOMEONE WHO SAYS SOMETHING LIKE THAT FOR 14 MORE YEARS?

Then I’d throw in an acorn because hey – it’s finally Fall.