What I’ve Learned From Compulsively Reading True Crime for 20 Years
1. If you absolutely have to go to Washington state, do everything in your power to avoid going to Snohomish County. Nothing good happens in Snohomish County, Washington. Just ask Ann Rule – she’s made an entire career out of writing books about horrific crimes that have been committed in this one small region of the country. (Seriously, she’s written like 50 books about terrible, random murders that have all taken place in Snohomish County.) Judging from the Ann Rule canon, which I am deeply familiar with, if you spend enough time in Snohomish County, there’s an extremely good chance that you will be viciously attacked close to your bus stop and battered about the face and head by the light of the Washington moon.
If you’re a sportier type and prone to hiking, you could also get killed on Snoqualmie Pass. Snoqualmie Pass seems to be a mountain that is extremely dangerous not because of its treacherous terrain, but because it attracts psychopaths like moths to a scenic flame. If you absolutely have to go to Washington state and you absolutely have to go hiking, do everything in your power to avoid hiking Snoqualmie Pass – that is, unless you’re in the mood to grapple with a knife-wielding, AWOL soldier who thinks he’s still in Vietnam.
2. If someone seems like a pervert or a killer, he might very well be a pervert or a killer. Humans have a sixth sense for a reason – that little voice in your head is millions of years of evolution telling you that it’s probably a good idea to quicken your pace when passing that gentleman who’s dressed in a soiled trenchcoat and scratched aviators and screaming expletives at no one. Is there a weird dude driving your cab? It’s okay to get out of the cab if you feel like you’re about to get Bone Collectored in it.
3. If you discover that the lock on the window of your ground-floor bedroom is broken and you’re missing a few pairs of underpants and your hairbrush, leave the apartment immediately. There’s clearly a creepy teenager loose in your neighborhood who may very well have masturbated into your sock drawer while wearing one of your hats. Go stay with a friend or a relative until that lock gets fixed and call ADT.
4. Always be extremely punctual when going anywhere and never miss or cancel any plans with anyone. Also, pick up your cell phone every time someone calls you. That way, people will realize pretty quickly if you go missing. They’ll say things like, “Well, I knew that Sarah must have been in the trunk of a sadomasochist’s Kia when she didn’t text me exactly at 11pm like she always does.” What I’m trying to say is, don’t be a fucking flake like me, or else if you do get kidnapped and call someone for help, your lifeline will just be like, “Yeah, sure, Sarah, you’re in the trunk of a sadomasochist’s Kia. It’s always something with you. I’m just going to order without you,” and hang up.
The Amazingly Awkward Jeopardy Moment That Happened Tonight
Something delightfully uncomfortable happened on tonight’s episode of Jeopardy!
During the portion of the show that I refer to as “Good Story, Jeopardy Contestant,” a contestant named Mikki told us that on her honeymoon in the Orkney Islands, she and her husband partook in a local ritual of running around some stones three times to guarantee that they’d have a baby within a year. Apparently, it worked!
Alex Trebek responded to this benign, charming little story by saying somewhat lasciviously, “…In addition to running around three times, there’s something else you have to do. I know…I know these things.”
Dude. Alex. What is: ‘the opposite of anything I’ve ever wanted to picture’…but also THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THE LAUGH.
Octopus Hatches Elaborate Plan to Escape from Aquarium, Is Foiled
A video of a luckless octopus named Ink trying to fling himself out of his new home, a tank at the Seattle Aquarium, surfaced on the internet earlier this week and has since gone viral. In the ‘riveting’ (read: depressing and anticlimactic) footage of the incident, Ink scales the side of his claustrophobic little tank and tries in vain to make a break for it before he is unceremoniously stuffed back into the tank by one of his carers.
A representative for the aquarium says that the octopus was simply “exploring his boundaries,” but with a badass name like Ink, he probably turned to his tank-mates right before he tried to flee and said something like, “Seattle? Are you fucking kidding me? I just…I can’t do this, guys. I’m going to go ahead and use my six arms to hitchhike back to my friend’s loft in Bushwick now. Ink OUT.”
The Importance of a Meat-Based Education
“Chilean Sea Bass – I don’t know what the fuck that is, so I’ll go with Kobe Beef because it sounds like meat.” – Teenaged girl to friend while analyzing subway advertisement on 3 train
Guys, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – I can’t underscore enough the importance of educating our young people about bougie meats.