My Thoughts on Today’s Morning Commute

Ah, New York City – where our homeless people wear Crocs and dance like there’s nobody watching, even when there’s a whole subway car of people watching.

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The Importance of a Meat-Based Education

“Chilean Sea Bass – I don’t know what the fuck that is, so I’ll go with Kobe Beef because it sounds like meat.” – Teenaged girl to friend while analyzing subway advertisement on 3 train

Guys, I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – I can’t underscore enough the importance of educating our young people about bougie meats.

Why I’m Anti Rolling Backpacks

RollingPackpack Drawing

I would rather my kid have a scoliotic back for the rest of his life from carrying heavy textbooks as a tween than carry the internal shame of having been the kid with the rolling backpack, because that shit is way heavier. Once I saw a kid with a rolling backpack fall head-first down a flight of stairs, and let me tell you, that backpack was close to lethal when it landed on top of him. I’ll never forget the tableau of the poor guy as he lay in a crumpled heap at the foot of the stairs, his cuffed sweatpants exposing his skinny ankles in all of their tube-sock-clad glory, the fallen backpack open next to him with papers falling out. This truly depressing sight crystallized my opinion that the rolling backpack is more a form of cruel and unusual punishment than a helpful tool to prevent your child from slipping a disc.

Another Annoying Straphanger: The Head Bobber

Head Bobber Drawing

People on the subway who furiously bob their heads in time to the music they’re listening to on their headphones annoy the shit out of me. Wow, guy – you like it when musical notes are strung together in a melodic way? That doesn’t make you ‘cool’ or ‘ hip,’ it makes you a sentient human being with ears that work and a beating heart. Stop pretending that you’re Avicii DJing MSG when we’re both just two schmucks riding the 3 train home from our grunt administrative jobs.